As I sit here in the Chestnut Tree Cafe, where all dismissed Party members go, I remember when I saw Julia again. She looked stiff. As I remembered our old relationship, the thought of loving her repulsed me. But we talked. It was awkward on both ends. We acknowledged our mutual betrayals, as if it was no big deal, which it wasn't. We promised to meet again, but I honestly don't believe that either of us wants to continue our friendship.
I sit here crying as I remember a time of happiness with my family, but it must be my mind conjuring up a false image. But as I look up and see Big Brother on the telescreen, I am happy. I listen to the news delivering a speech about a war victory, and I am happy.
I love Big Brother.
LONG LIVE BIG BROTHER
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Room 101-Part Three, Section V
In Room 101, O'Brien sat me in a chair, and clamped my head. I couldn't move. He then reminded me of my nightmares where I'm in a dark place and I know something is on the other side of the wall, but I don't know what it is. O'Brien tells me rats are on the other side of the wall. No! Anything but rats, Anything!
O'Brien picked up a cage of giant, squirming, hungry rats. He put it near my face and was about to open it, so the rats could eat me. Alive.
There was only one thing to do. I knew it, and the skeleton man from the waiting room knew it too. I had to give someone else up. I had to put someone in my place.
I betrayed her. I have been holding on to my strength, but I betrayed her. As soon as I told O'Brien to have Julia take my place, he removed the cage and let me loose.
I know I should be more devastated by my betrayal. I want to believe that I didn't mean it. But at that moment, I honestly wanted Julia to suffer. I wanted her to take my place if it meant I didn't have to go through with it.
The fear was too much to face. And now, my life will never be the same again.
O'Brien picked up a cage of giant, squirming, hungry rats. He put it near my face and was about to open it, so the rats could eat me. Alive.
There was only one thing to do. I knew it, and the skeleton man from the waiting room knew it too. I had to give someone else up. I had to put someone in my place.
I betrayed her. I have been holding on to my strength, but I betrayed her. As soon as I told O'Brien to have Julia take my place, he removed the cage and let me loose.
I know I should be more devastated by my betrayal. I want to believe that I didn't mean it. But at that moment, I honestly wanted Julia to suffer. I wanted her to take my place if it meant I didn't have to go through with it.
The fear was too much to face. And now, my life will never be the same again.
No Control-Part Three, Section IV
I'm in better conditions now. I get to eat, I've gained weight, and I've been give a slate on which to write. I've been writing and re-writing the Party slogans over and over. If I do this, I'll truly believe.
But today I made a mistake. All of the sudden, out of the blue, my love for Julia took control of my entire being. I yelled her name. I couldn't even stop after one time. I yelled Julia at the top of my lungs. I know I'll be tortured for it. I know, but I just can't hold it in.
I hate Big Brother. But if O'Brien knows this, I'll never be killed. If I hold it inside of me and hide away my hatred, so I don't even realize it's in me, I will die hating Big Brother. I will have won and beaten the Party at their own game.
But as soon as O'Brien comes in, I tell him of my hatred for Big Brother, to which he replies that I must not only obey Big Brother, I must love him, truly and completely. And with that, O'Brien told the guards--Room 101.
But today I made a mistake. All of the sudden, out of the blue, my love for Julia took control of my entire being. I yelled her name. I couldn't even stop after one time. I yelled Julia at the top of my lungs. I know I'll be tortured for it. I know, but I just can't hold it in.
I hate Big Brother. But if O'Brien knows this, I'll never be killed. If I hold it inside of me and hide away my hatred, so I don't even realize it's in me, I will die hating Big Brother. I will have won and beaten the Party at their own game.
But as soon as O'Brien comes in, I tell him of my hatred for Big Brother, to which he replies that I must not only obey Big Brother, I must love him, truly and completely. And with that, O'Brien told the guards--Room 101.
Power in Perspective-Part Three, Section III
I learned something today. The Party doesn't want to better the world at all. All they want is power. Pure, limitless, never-ending power. O'Brien says the Party can control anything, he says he could levitate if he wanted to, but that's not what the Party wants. I told him the Party can't control the stars or the universe, but O'Brien said they could because the only reality that matters is the human mind, which the Party already controls. I guess it makes sense.
O'Brien made me look in the mirror. I wept at what I saw. I have become a frail, skeletal, gray man just like the one I saw in the waiting room. This is O'Brien's fault. I told him that, but O'Brien says I knew this would happen when I started writing my diary.
O'Brien did commend me for my strength in holding out and not betraying Julia. This statement swelled me with pride despite my sad physical state. But he says it doesn't matter because I'll be cured and shot anyway.
O'Brien made me look in the mirror. I wept at what I saw. I have become a frail, skeletal, gray man just like the one I saw in the waiting room. This is O'Brien's fault. I told him that, but O'Brien says I knew this would happen when I started writing my diary.
O'Brien did commend me for my strength in holding out and not betraying Julia. This statement swelled me with pride despite my sad physical state. But he says it doesn't matter because I'll be cured and shot anyway.
Belief-Part Three, Section II
I can't make myself believe it. I can say it; yes, I can say it, but I can't believe. O'Brien was holding up four fingers, not five. I said five, but I knew it was four. I knew it was four. O'Brien tells me that my crime was not accepting the Party's version of the past. But if I know, if I know that it's a lie, how can I believe it? But if O'Brien says it, I'll believe it. O'Brien knows. O'Brien takes away my pain. When I've had enough, O'Brien takes it away. He helps me. He isn't the cause of the pain. He just takes it away. O'Brien says that right now I'm insane, but only by pain can I be cured. I want to be cured. O'Brien tells me that the Party has perfected the system of eliminating enemies. They cure them, make them believe, truly believe they were wrong, and then they kill them, so there's no glory.
What O'Brien says starts to make sense. I can learn to reject all ideas. I can accept what the Party tells me. I can do that. It's not even rejecting the truth, because the Party is right. O'Brien is right.
Then O'Brien let me ask him some questions. When I asked about Julia, he said she betrayed me immediately. This fact should hurt me, should make me angry, but it doesn't. I asked some other questions about the Brotherhood and Big Brother, but without many answers.
Finally, I asked what's in Room 101. O'Brien told me I already know. Everyone knows what's in Room 101. I don't know, though. What's in Room 101?
What O'Brien says starts to make sense. I can learn to reject all ideas. I can accept what the Party tells me. I can do that. It's not even rejecting the truth, because the Party is right. O'Brien is right.
Then O'Brien let me ask him some questions. When I asked about Julia, he said she betrayed me immediately. This fact should hurt me, should make me angry, but it doesn't. I asked some other questions about the Brotherhood and Big Brother, but without many answers.
Finally, I asked what's in Room 101. O'Brien told me I already know. Everyone knows what's in Room 101. I don't know, though. What's in Room 101?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Pain-Part Three, Section I
I'm here. This is the place where there is no darkness. Is O'Brien going to get me the razor blade? Is that what he meant by meeting me in the place where there is no darkness? He had to have. I always assumed it meant the future, but I guess this is my future-here in the Ministry of Love, stuck in this room, as people come in, and people go out. Who knows who these people could be? Maybe she's my mother. Maybe he's that man from the Chestnut Tree Cafe.
I don't know, but I can barely stand to imagine the pain I will go through that will make me betray Julia. Everyone keeps talking about Room 101. A man here a while ago was thrashing around, betraying his family, doing anything to prevent his journey to Room 101. I wonder about what's there, but I'm not sure I actually want to know. Will I give up Julia, like he offered to have his family tortured and killed instead of him?
That man was so skinny, so unhealthy, so weak. I sincerely hope O'Brien sends the razor blade before I reach that point. But as I thought that, O'Brien came in. O'Brien got caught! But as he walked in, he wasn't a prisoner. He told me he was a Ministry of Love operative, and he said I had known all along, which I guess I did.
After this revelation, a guard came and smashed my elbow, causing immeasurable pain. Pain I didn't even know existed. But this pain made me think. Pain is too much to endure, and in the moment where that incredible pain is inflicted, no one can be a hero. No one can withstand that kind of agony.
I don't know, but I can barely stand to imagine the pain I will go through that will make me betray Julia. Everyone keeps talking about Room 101. A man here a while ago was thrashing around, betraying his family, doing anything to prevent his journey to Room 101. I wonder about what's there, but I'm not sure I actually want to know. Will I give up Julia, like he offered to have his family tortured and killed instead of him?
That man was so skinny, so unhealthy, so weak. I sincerely hope O'Brien sends the razor blade before I reach that point. But as I thought that, O'Brien came in. O'Brien got caught! But as he walked in, he wasn't a prisoner. He told me he was a Ministry of Love operative, and he said I had known all along, which I guess I did.
After this revelation, a guard came and smashed my elbow, causing immeasurable pain. Pain I didn't even know existed. But this pain made me think. Pain is too much to endure, and in the moment where that incredible pain is inflicted, no one can be a hero. No one can withstand that kind of agony.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
How?-Part Two, Section X
As Julia and I woke this morning in the room above Mr. Charrington's shop, we walked to the open window where the woman was singing and doing laundry. As we stood, I realized that later on, the proles will give rise to a generation which will become conscious, and take over. But we know we are doomed. In fact, we said, "We are the dead." But as we said this, a familiar voice echoed and said, "You are the dead." It was then that we realized a telescreen was behind the painting of St. Clement's chapel. As the Party's troops flood in, they smash the paperweight. As they beat and ruthlessly torture Julia, I become disoriented and I am restrained by arms as strong as iron. But amidst the confusion and Julia's screams, Mr. Charrington comes in and orders someone to pick up the shards left from the paperweight.
No. No! How could we have not realized? Mr. Charrington. Mr. Charrington, a member of the Thought Police.
No. No! How could we have not realized? Mr. Charrington. Mr. Charrington, a member of the Thought Police.
Sanity-Part Two, Section IX
Hate Week is unbearable. After working 90 hours just this week, I can barely stand the pressure and the extreme exhaustion. But interesting news came. A rally speaker was in the middle of addressing a giant crowd about how Eurasia is the enemy, when he received a message, and continued with his speech, but changed the enemy to Eastasia. We had never been at war with Eurasia, Eastasia is and always will be the enemy. This is the cause of the 90 hour work week. Everyone has been working tirelessly to erase any evidence that we were ever against Eurasia. In the midst of the change, when anti-Eurasia posters are still hanging, it is amazing to see that people blame Goldstein and his agents for sabotage. The Party's total control is evident.
Later, I received the book. I didn't even read it for a while, but when I did, I was immensely pleased. The book simply states everything I have been thinking in these past months. Although I haven't learned new information, the relief of not being the only one with these thoughts is incredible. The book explains the Party's slogans; how constant war isn't actually a real war, it's just perpetual peace and how the class system has always been a part of history, and will be forever.
I read the book to Julia, but she fell asleep. Partially through reading, I fell asleep, but my last thoughts were that sanity isn't based on what everyone believes. Just reading the book has proved my sanity.
Sanity is not statistical.
Later, I received the book. I didn't even read it for a while, but when I did, I was immensely pleased. The book simply states everything I have been thinking in these past months. Although I haven't learned new information, the relief of not being the only one with these thoughts is incredible. The book explains the Party's slogans; how constant war isn't actually a real war, it's just perpetual peace and how the class system has always been a part of history, and will be forever.
I read the book to Julia, but she fell asleep. Partially through reading, I fell asleep, but my last thoughts were that sanity isn't based on what everyone believes. Just reading the book has proved my sanity.
Sanity is not statistical.
Allies-Part Two, Section VIII
Despite the obvious risk, Julia and I went to O'Brien's together. Once inside, O'Brien turned off the telescreen! We had privacy, away from the striking eyes of Big Brother! And during this time, everything I wanted to hear, I did. Emmanuel Goldstein is alive and the Brotherhood is strong. It's a different kind of organization, though, where not even Goldstein knows all the members. I had to agree to follow any of O'Brien's commands though, even if they were to torture and kill adults and children, but I did not think much of it. Whatever I have to do to cause change, I will do. O'Brien promised to give us the book soon, which is Goldstein's guide to the Brotherhood, the Party's mindset, and the revolution.
As we left, O'Brien said we would meet again. When I completed his statement by saying, "in the place where there is no darkness," he agreed. I knew it.
DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER
As we left, O'Brien said we would meet again. When I completed his statement by saying, "in the place where there is no darkness," he agreed. I knew it.
DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER
Human-Part Two, Section VII
I've been dreaming of my family. My memories are flowing subconsciously through my head, and they sicken me. I was awful. My mother gave me everything, everything and I never once showed appreciation. I was selfish as I stole what little food we had from my sister. I watched my mother and sister starve as I grew only more greedy. I was responsible.
To be human is to feel. The Party has taken away and suppressed emotion from the people, and for that, I hate them. Only the proles are still human, but they can't even realize their privilege, or even their opportunities to rebel. The Party has removed the most basic human instinct, and because of it, Party members are virtually inhuman.
Julia and I know we will be caught. If we continue in this room, it is inevitable. But we won't leave. When we are tortured, and eventually killed, we will confess everything. But we have agreed. We will never stop loving each other. That they cannot take away.
To be human is to feel. The Party has taken away and suppressed emotion from the people, and for that, I hate them. Only the proles are still human, but they can't even realize their privilege, or even their opportunities to rebel. The Party has removed the most basic human instinct, and because of it, Party members are virtually inhuman.
Julia and I know we will be caught. If we continue in this room, it is inevitable. But we won't leave. When we are tortured, and eventually killed, we will confess everything. But we have agreed. We will never stop loving each other. That they cannot take away.
Hope-Part Two, Section VI
O'Brien actually talked to me today. He was speaking nonsense about the newest edition of the Newspeak dictionary and how I need to borrow his copy. He instructed me to come by his residence sometime and pick it up. He says this, but I know what he means. He simply found a way for us to gain contact. I am sure he will discuss the Brotherhood with me. Or at least we'll discuss a rebellion, he might not even know how to become a member of the Brotherhood.
I know this won't end well. I know my fate lies in the Ministry of Love, and I know I will be killed one day. But this meeting with O'Brien will make it all worth it. I will be part of the Brotherhood. I will work and strive to create a better future. A better future for those who can't create it themselves. I'll help to make a better world, without Big Brother watching.
I know this won't end well. I know my fate lies in the Ministry of Love, and I know I will be killed one day. But this meeting with O'Brien will make it all worth it. I will be part of the Brotherhood. I will work and strive to create a better future. A better future for those who can't create it themselves. I'll help to make a better world, without Big Brother watching.
Love & Hate-Part Two, Section V
Syme vanished. Like I said, he was just too outwardly smart, too curious. Parsons, along with the rest of Oceania, is in mad preparation for Hate Week. Even his kids sing a new song, "Hate Song." I wish there was no Hate Week. It's just another way to force people into obedience. Another place where I must fake a rousing hatred of Goldstein and the Brotherhood.
I can't stop thinking about the room and my love for Julia. If only Katherine would die, then Julia and I could actually be together forever. But when we talk of rebellion, Julia doesn't care. She believes the Brotherhood and Goldstein don't exist, but she believed my strange feeling of kinship with O'Brien. Oh well, she'll come round soon enough.
I can't stop thinking about the room and my love for Julia. If only Katherine would die, then Julia and I could actually be together forever. But when we talk of rebellion, Julia doesn't care. She believes the Brotherhood and Goldstein don't exist, but she believed my strange feeling of kinship with O'Brien. Oh well, she'll come round soon enough.
Stuck in Time- Part Two, Section IV
I know it's reckless. I know it's foolish. I know, but renting this room could be the best decision I have ever made. It has become our sanctuary. Our place. Just the two of us, not worrying, just being together, away from everything else.
When we met today, Julia snuck in the luxurious, real Inner Party food. The coffee, sugar, and bread was heaven in itself. But she also brought makeup. I realized then that Julia isn't beautiful. At least she's not beautiful in the conventional kind of way. But the makeup brought out her femininity. She looked like a woman, not just a Party member in a pair of overalls. To me, she was stunning.
There is one problem with the room above Mr. Charrington's shop. Julia found a rat. Not many people are aware, but I am deathly afraid of rats. Snakes, bats, insects, cats, dogs I can handle, but rats, rats are different.
We studied the paperweight. I explained to Julia how it is a link to the past, an artifact stuck in time, never changing. How I wish my time with Julia could be inside that paperweight with the coral, perpetually suspended, never changing, just her, me, and the coral. Stuck in time. Forever.
When we met today, Julia snuck in the luxurious, real Inner Party food. The coffee, sugar, and bread was heaven in itself. But she also brought makeup. I realized then that Julia isn't beautiful. At least she's not beautiful in the conventional kind of way. But the makeup brought out her femininity. She looked like a woman, not just a Party member in a pair of overalls. To me, she was stunning.
There is one problem with the room above Mr. Charrington's shop. Julia found a rat. Not many people are aware, but I am deathly afraid of rats. Snakes, bats, insects, cats, dogs I can handle, but rats, rats are different.
We studied the paperweight. I explained to Julia how it is a link to the past, an artifact stuck in time, never changing. How I wish my time with Julia could be inside that paperweight with the coral, perpetually suspended, never changing, just her, me, and the coral. Stuck in time. Forever.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A New Kind of Love-Part Two, Section III
We haven't been able to have a meeting like our last for a while, but we have shared several conversations. I learned about her last time, but I can't get enough of Julia and who she is.
She told me she lives in a hostel with 30 other girls, which she hates. It's hard to imagine Julia in such an environment, but from what I've observed, she can clearly adapt and fit in to any situation. She also has always been an active leader in the Junior Anti-Sex League and other such organizations, despite having her first love affair at 16.
I told Julia about Katharine. It wasn't strange or awkward to talk to her about such topics, because I feel about Julia the way I never felt about Katharine. I told her about the time we got lost on a hiking trip and while she was looking over a cliff (at two different colored flowers growing from the same root in the cracks of the cliff), I almost pushed her off. Sometimes I wish now I had, for Julia and I could be married, although the Party would never approve of the match.
But probably the most important piece of knowledge I learned about Julia, is that rebellion doesn't mean much to her. Yes, she enjoys breaking the rules, but she doesn't care about changing the world we live in. She just cares about us and right now, which isn't necessarily an awful act, because I love loving someone and having someone love me back. Someone actually in love with me, not just a marriage and a weekly duty to the party. Real love.
She told me she lives in a hostel with 30 other girls, which she hates. It's hard to imagine Julia in such an environment, but from what I've observed, she can clearly adapt and fit in to any situation. She also has always been an active leader in the Junior Anti-Sex League and other such organizations, despite having her first love affair at 16.
I told Julia about Katharine. It wasn't strange or awkward to talk to her about such topics, because I feel about Julia the way I never felt about Katharine. I told her about the time we got lost on a hiking trip and while she was looking over a cliff (at two different colored flowers growing from the same root in the cracks of the cliff), I almost pushed her off. Sometimes I wish now I had, for Julia and I could be married, although the Party would never approve of the match.
But probably the most important piece of knowledge I learned about Julia, is that rebellion doesn't mean much to her. Yes, she enjoys breaking the rules, but she doesn't care about changing the world we live in. She just cares about us and right now, which isn't necessarily an awful act, because I love loving someone and having someone love me back. Someone actually in love with me, not just a marriage and a weekly duty to the party. Real love.
A Real Golden Country-Part Two, Section II
Well, Julia's not a spy for the Thought Police. Yes, that's her name. Julia. The dark-haired girl is Julia.
When we met at our hideout, it was just like the Golden Country from my dream. Something about it made me never want to leave. And we talked. I learned so much, not only her name. I learned she hates Big Brother and the rules of the Party. But most importantly, I learned she has slept with scores of Party members, not just me. Most men would find this unattractive, but I only find it more enticing. Because now I know this, I know that scores of men are against the Party as well! There is hope!
Before I met with Julia, I didn't know what to expect. I loved the idea of her and the idea of an act of rebellion, but after our time in our own Golden Country: I love her. Not just the idea of her, but her and her carefree attitude and her trampled sash. I love her and the way she makes me feel. The way she makes me feel alive.
When we met at our hideout, it was just like the Golden Country from my dream. Something about it made me never want to leave. And we talked. I learned so much, not only her name. I learned she hates Big Brother and the rules of the Party. But most importantly, I learned she has slept with scores of Party members, not just me. Most men would find this unattractive, but I only find it more enticing. Because now I know this, I know that scores of men are against the Party as well! There is hope!
Before I met with Julia, I didn't know what to expect. I loved the idea of her and the idea of an act of rebellion, but after our time in our own Golden Country: I love her. Not just the idea of her, but her and her carefree attitude and her trampled sash. I love her and the way she makes me feel. The way she makes me feel alive.
Alive-Part Two, Section I
I love you? What? The dark-haired girl, the one who I have assumed has been trying to denounce me to the Thought Police slipped me a note that said I love you. I would have tried to say something, but I was caught incredibly off-guard. Luckily Parsons, the great fool, came in rambling some utter nonsense about Hate Week preparations, or I just might have fainted.
Why me? I mean, I am a weak, relatively ancient man with little to no status. What could she possibly want? She can't honestly love me--she barely knows me!
But it doesn't matter. The thought of somebody to love makes me want to get up in the morning and be alive!
When we met in the canteen, we decided to meet in Victory Square when the crowds could hide us from the telescreens. And when we exchanged a few sentences amidst the people, she gave me directions to a secret rendezvous point.
I don't know what this is about, but honestly: I don't want it to end. I have barely spent three minutes with her and already, she's changed me.
Why me? I mean, I am a weak, relatively ancient man with little to no status. What could she possibly want? She can't honestly love me--she barely knows me!
But it doesn't matter. The thought of somebody to love makes me want to get up in the morning and be alive!
When we met in the canteen, we decided to meet in Victory Square when the crowds could hide us from the telescreens. And when we exchanged a few sentences amidst the people, she gave me directions to a secret rendezvous point.
I don't know what this is about, but honestly: I don't want it to end. I have barely spent three minutes with her and already, she's changed me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Maybe-Part One, Sections I-VIII
Everyday is the same. Wake up, morning exercises, work, Two Minutes Hate, work, home, sleep. But was it always this way? I can't imagine life before the Revolution was like this. This is what Oceania was created to achieve. Equality for all people. The same for every person. The same for each day. But when the idea for Oceania came around, was this impoverished life part of the plan? This life in a run-down "mansion" where the lift doesn't work and where warmth is an unknown feeling? But I can't remember anything else. How do I know that this isn't just how life is? How do I know that something different, something better is even possible? But it has to be possible. If this is how life has always been, then there would never have been need for the Revolution. There has to be a better way.
Life is fear here. Any form of acting out could end in an end. If you don't live life as a routine, never hoping for something different, then you can't live.
Today at the Two Minutes Hate, I noticed two oddities. O'Brien looked at me, but in the half-second that our eyes met, I knew he could be an ally. Not that I'm thinking of rebellion, but I find comfort in knowing he feels the way I do. But the other note I made was of the dark-haired girl. I don't know what it is, perhaps her bold look, maybe her athletic, strong persona, or maybe she's just intimidating, but her glance pierced me. For some reason, it seemed like she was watching me, as if she was an amateur spy, but it makes me nervous. But I can't help feeling what I am.
Does the past even matter? Each day, I constantly change and edit what once was the truth, or what was accepted as the truth. When I go to the antique shop in the proles, I hold out a hope that the answers lie in the past. Maybe an old cabinet will tell me how life used to be. Maybe a glass paperweight will give hope to a better future. But with each day, something changes. A few people disappear. A different war is occurring against a different enemy and with a new ally. Who knows? Did I ever have relations with a prostitute? Did I ever have a mother, a father, a sister? All the evidence is located inside my mind. If I didn't believe it, did it actually take place? The truth isn't even the truth anymore. The truth is determined only by the Party's wishes. Whoever controls the past, controls the future.
Maybe the Thought Police will plug in my wire. Maybe I will be sentenced to a labor camp for my rebellious thoughts. Maybe the dark-haired girl will suspect me and turn my name in without any sort of legitimate proof. Maybe. But I can't care. I can't hold it in.
DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER
Life is fear here. Any form of acting out could end in an end. If you don't live life as a routine, never hoping for something different, then you can't live.
Today at the Two Minutes Hate, I noticed two oddities. O'Brien looked at me, but in the half-second that our eyes met, I knew he could be an ally. Not that I'm thinking of rebellion, but I find comfort in knowing he feels the way I do. But the other note I made was of the dark-haired girl. I don't know what it is, perhaps her bold look, maybe her athletic, strong persona, or maybe she's just intimidating, but her glance pierced me. For some reason, it seemed like she was watching me, as if she was an amateur spy, but it makes me nervous. But I can't help feeling what I am.
Does the past even matter? Each day, I constantly change and edit what once was the truth, or what was accepted as the truth. When I go to the antique shop in the proles, I hold out a hope that the answers lie in the past. Maybe an old cabinet will tell me how life used to be. Maybe a glass paperweight will give hope to a better future. But with each day, something changes. A few people disappear. A different war is occurring against a different enemy and with a new ally. Who knows? Did I ever have relations with a prostitute? Did I ever have a mother, a father, a sister? All the evidence is located inside my mind. If I didn't believe it, did it actually take place? The truth isn't even the truth anymore. The truth is determined only by the Party's wishes. Whoever controls the past, controls the future.
Maybe the Thought Police will plug in my wire. Maybe I will be sentenced to a labor camp for my rebellious thoughts. Maybe the dark-haired girl will suspect me and turn my name in without any sort of legitimate proof. Maybe. But I can't care. I can't hold it in.
DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER
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